To The People Who Knew Me, I’m Sorry I Hurt You

If you don’t know who I am on the other side of this screen then I apologize because what I’m about to do might not make sense.

But if you are a person who knows who the person writing this, because I invited you here, then please listen till the end.

This isn’t a cry for help, this isn’t a promotion for my blog, this isn’t me trying to persuade you to do anything in any way.

I swear.

This is just me doing something I should have done a long long time ago.

To my classmates at Woodward Academy, I was a cold, stuck up, self-obsessed brat, but I knew better.

I knew that I could have been nicer to all of you.

I knew that I could have been more social with all of you.

I knew that I could have a good friend to so many of you.

But I was afraid.

I was afraid that if I ever let any of you know how much your words meant to, how much your opinion of me really mattered, how scared and how vulnerable I really was on the inside, you would hurt me.

So I ran away whenever I could.

I didn’t talk or listen to any of you if I could help it, and that was wrong of me, so wrong.

Looking back I actually miss a lot of you guys and not a day goes by where I wish I could have gone back in time and been a better person to all of you.

Because to me you all deserved that, I was just afraid.

I’m sorry if my fear or my coldness, or my self-centeredness offended you, I really am sorry.

 

To my track/cross country team.

I never told any of you this but you guys really were like brothers to me.

The times we had together were some the most fun experiences I’ve ever had and I really do mean that (running camp especially).

All that time you may have never realized it but I wanted so much to open up to each and every one of you.

I wanted so badly to hang out with you guys after our CC meets.

I wanted to see movies with guys.

I wanted to be a better friend, I wanted to so badly.

But I couldn’t because unlike the words of our classmates which could only hurt me, your words, the words of my brothers, would completely destroy me.

That why I was so intense at meets and practices, I wanted to beat each and every one of you because I just wanted you to accept me.

I was afraid that you guys would hate me if I ever let on how much each and every one of you meant to me.

I’m sorry, and I hope you’ll forgive me.

In my mind at least, each of you will always be my brothers.

 

To my former Antioch life groups.

And yes I do say groups plural because I was, for a long time apart of both Jacob Hogan and Caleb Siebert’s life group (if you were in Caleb’s please send this to him).

Let me explain why just left you all with no explanation.

My freshman year of college was me trying to find out who I really was.

Though I made a lot of mistakes and was very insecure with myself as most freshman typically are, I didn’t expect one thing, to meet such amazing and loving people.

I never talked with anyone the way I had talked to you guys.

I had never laughed with anyone the way I laughed with you guys.

I had never experienced God with anyone the way I experienced him with you guys (Awaken, World Mandate).

I really felt as though I had woken up one day and realized I had the best friends a person could ever ask for.

I didn’t know what to do.

I never told any of you this but I had been running from my friends all my life.

I was afraid of being accepted, I was afraid of being cared about, I was afraid of being loved.

So when I realized I had so many people who really did love me for who I really was, I panicked and then, I self-destructed.

I joined two life groups because I was trying to hold myself together.

I felt like something couldn’t be right about people who loved me.

I thought that you all must have just been going through the motions because there was no way you could ever really love me for who I was.

That why, when it came time for Awaken, I did something to intentionally hurt a lot of you so that you hate me and despise me like I thought you should have.

I wanted you to hate me like I hated myself.

So rather than just not go completely which I knew would have been the best option for everyone because no one would get hurt, I intentionally went with one group and abandoned the other.

Then after that, I left the group that I had gone with completely so that all of you would resent me the way I wanted you to, the way I needed you to for my world to make any sense.

There’s no amount of words that can express how sorry I always felt for hurting you guys like that.

I was so lost.

I was so broken.

I was so alone.

And I didn’t know how to ask any of you for help.

I thought that if I pushed all of you away from me that I would feel better because I would finally be what I felt I was always meant to be… alone… forever.

I realize that to so many of you I must have become almost like family in your life group and my leaving you so suddenly and for seeming no reason must have felt like a slap in the face.

I’m sorry.

That was sad of me.

That was pathetic of me.

That was disobedient of me.

I don’t know if you could ever forgive me but I want you to know that each and every one of you made me truly happy.

So thank you, all of you, Connor, Seth, Jacob, Will, Justin, KJ, Caleb, and Jordan especially.

Knowing each and every one of you has made me a better man, I will always be thankful for that.

 

And to you RA, the girl who introduced me to southwestern and sat next to me in Calc I, I apologize to you especially.

I was so cruel to you, and you deserve better than me.

So much better.

 

I’m apologizing for a lifetime of mistakes.

I’m apologizing to you if I hurt you in my brokenness.

I’m apologizing because I want each and every one of you to know that you matter to me.

You always have.

I’m sorry I never told you all sooner.

 

I’m a new man now, and I’m trying to right all my wrongs so that I can begin my life anew, free of pain and free of regrets.

I wish you all the very best.

Thank you for caring enough about me to friend me on Facebook.

I love you all.

 

 

 

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